He looked me in the eyes, in my pain, confusion and frustration; and said ‘Even if I have to sell everything I have, to make you better, I will do it. Whatever it takes & whatever the cost.’ Somehow, the circumstances hadn’t changed, I was still going to get my 6 surgeries but something in the words of my father was very reassuring. I felt safe, confident, loved and truly treasured. I believed him, that in itself made me feel better, as I waited for my treatment.
I like to always refer to that moment with my earthly father when I feel far from God or in deep trouble & He seems to have forgotten me or doubting that He still loves me despite my many sins. Every time I revisit that memory, it’s as if I feel God whispering to my heart that He is with me, that He loves me despite my many areas of life that need surgery, that He would give all He has (well, he already did. He gave it all for me when he gave his one & only son). May sound cliché but it’s the truest thing I know.
I want to comfort you in knowing that ‘God’ things are not really ‘feelings’ based. I read somewhere once that: ‘when you feel far from God, you can be sure that he did not move.’ The way I see it, there are only 2 people in this equation, you & God, if He did not move, someone sure did and your guess is as good as mine ‘you’ or ‘I’ moved. And most of the time I’ve found this to be true in my life.
But also, there has been times I’ve been on my best behavior if I can say; I’m praying, giving, tithing, worshiping, doing good etc.. but God seems to be silent or not changing my circumstances. I approached my Bible school Pastor once and asked her why God is just ignoring me yet I’m doing all the right things and she explained to me again about seasons; ‘Seed time & Harvest time.’
I knew about that principle but not in that context, she then encouraged me saying, ‘This is your time to sow those seeds of praying, giving, etc, and sometimes God lets your sowing time take longer and in silence because He wants to teach or develop something in you. Don’t lose courage, this is the time for you to press in harder, develop perseverance and patience.’ And her words sure made perfect sense.
God is more interested in your character not your emotional comfort, because your character is what will sustain you through life, not your feelings.
I admit that I’m not the most patient person, so waiting on God is never fun for me but just like my dad’s reassurance that he would do anything to get me treated gave me strength even when I was still sick, when I choose to bank on God’s promises, it does give me strength & courage to endure. If I could believe my dad like that, and wait on him then why not my Heavenly Father?
I thought about farmers & I’m sure for them too, the season of sowing isn’t a fun one, it is hard work yet fruition will probably come in months ahead, a year or many, also depending on weather & climate speculations. I really have respect for farmers, I feel like their work is simply that of faith.
This relationship thing with God too can feel like that, well for me at least. Sometimes it’s hard to trust, to hold on, and to wait on him not knowing what the weather will be like tomorrow (spiritual/physical state) when I can’t even see a sign of rain like it was last year in Rwanda, the rainy season showed no interest of visiting us for months.
Sometimes God is just silent. And as I’ve been learning for the past year & 8 months, it’s never about me being on my best behavior (don’t get me wrong, doing my part & drawing closer to God does play an important role) but ultimately, He has a bigger plan that I’m just swimming through and even in silence, He’s busy at work for He neither slumbers nor sleeps (Psalm 121:4). Trusting in His plan is what I/we need but if you’re human like me, it just doesn’t come that easy.
May God help our unbelief.