I acknowledge that sometimes the healing process is even more painful than that of the thing(s) that wounded you in the first place. I used to think that the healing process was a sweet journey full of roses but it’s far from it, at least for me it is not & hasn’t been.
FYI, wounds do not have to be from heart break which is what most people associate them to. Wounds can be from that boss that oppressed you, the brokenness of the environment you grew up in, the bullies that crushed your confidence, failure to measure up to social/family expectations or even at times failure to hold up to your own standards, etc…. and in all honesty, I believe we all have wounds of some sort, at least that is what I discovered in my counselling course and from further research that I carried out.
Wounds when not healed, we project onto others, especially those we love or we carry those damages onto the next people, relationships, careers, environments, etc.. it reminds me of this phrase “Hurt people hurt people”.
The healing needs to happen for personal health and sanity, even research says, and the healing process requires one to be intentional and willing to face their own demons. It involves a lot of self-discovery and awareness. Create time & space for your heart & mind to heal, to mend.
Another thing I discovered is that emotional wounds can cause physical wounds or manifest physically, that’s a scary thing, and emotional wounds can be more difficult to heal than the physical.
I am not making an uninformed suggestion, I say this from personal experience.. I am aware that this process can be really gruesome. Some days, the thought that I had a particular damage inside me, (some self-inflicted, some I had had no say in), would hurt even more than what damaged me. It would crash my self-esteem and make me feel like some sort of misfit. I’m not exaggerating when I say that some days it made me not want to leave my bed or talk to people. Some days I felt transparent and that if anyone saw me they’d immediately see or read it off me.
These hurts, I have found, make you defensive in particular areas of your life, even subconsciously. I’ll give an example that I’ve shared before, I grew up with a dental issue & was constantly having surgeries, braces for 3 years, etc and kids in school mocked me a lot over that, I genuinely hated my smile. Every time someone told me to smile for a picture or complimented my smile, I’d almost always lash out at them or divert the convo.
One particular friend asked me once, “Why are you always so mean when I compliment your smile? The least you could do is say thank you.” and I went on to discover from that that it was all coming from that history of kids making fun of me and it had registered in my heart & mind that there was something wrong with me/my smile, and I projected that hurt onto people that had nothing to do with it. This may seem like not such a big deal but believe me the way people experience whatever hurts them, is a bigger deal to them than to you who looks on from the outside.
I was hurting people out of my own hurt, which was stored somewhere in my subconscious.
Another most recent example I can share, is the absence of my dad. I denied myself of a chance to mourn him because I believed that as a Christian, I must be strong & believe that God has a good plan, while that may be true, it does not mean one is not allowed to experience their pain, process it, feel it, cry over it, etc… Being a Christian does not make one immune to pain or any less human. Fast forward, I started mourning my dad 3 years later & became an emotional wreck, I would see him, smell him, feel him everywhere & in anything it started affecting my mum, my focus, etc….
And then I tried to fill that void by latching onto this uncle that I was close to, I held fatherly expectations over him that in reality he did not owe me. And when he didn’t meet those expectations I’d have weird tension towards him, pointless fights with him, it drew us apart & I remember him asking me one day, “why don’t you want me to be close to other people?” and I was in denial about it but it was so true. I was trying to fill my dad’s void with someone that was not my father & could not be. I was legit bleeding on someone that did not hurt me.
I had to learn to deal with that pain and loss, to really mourn my dad. I had to identify, accept and face the pain that that caused but only after ruining a good relationship, taking my mother back into grieving & worrying over me, etc. Hopefully this makes sense.
These are just a few examples that are okay to share, the others I keep, are probably worse. And I believe I am not the only one, I also believe there are people who’ve had worse hurt than mine but it doesn’t make mine any less painful to me.
Coming back to the point, part of soul searching for me has been to intentionally dig out my dirt, find how to deal with it not sweep it under the rug anymore. Not saying I’m perfect at this or figured it all out, some of it I’ve really hidden as far in the corner as I could because the thought of dealing with it almost throws me in panic mode, but HEALING IS NECESSARY, I’d rather deal with my past/present hurts before they deal with me, as I shared above.
You owe it to yourself to be healthy emotionally, physically, etc… If you’re a believer, prayer & time with God can help heal these wounds or even discover them (personally there are many of my dysfunctions I’ve only discovered through that), even reveal to you their sources.
If not, therapy, a chat with a friend in your inner circle, etc could be a great start, or even journaling. These are all things that have worked for me but may not necessarily do for you.
I would like to challenge you to find what it is that can help you find your emotional healing, at your own pace, allow the process & accept that it may take time (sending you good vibes as you do).
HEAL FOR YOU, FOR THEM!